Fighting Boys

First, let me say (admit?) that parents can be some of the most judgmental people out there. Especially when it comes to opinions about other parents. Knowing this, I always try to remember the rule of "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Of course, I'm not perfect, so there are times that I just can't help but judge. Like over the weekend, when I witnessed a couple of young brothers fighting at Knott's Berry Farm.

The two boys, who looked like they were ages six and nine, were waiting in line for a ride right in front of me and my son. I don't know what started the fight, since I wasn't paying attention then, but once they were throwing punches at one another, I couldn't help but look. (They were standing just a foot or two away from us, so part of it was that I didn't want my son to get caught in their scuffle.) Both kids were pushing and trying to smack the other with their hands and arms, the younger one was even trying to kick his older brother. With them was their dad who did try to break the fight by standing between the boys, but of course they were still trying to get at each other around him.

What caught my attention the most was the dad. (Here's where the judgment thing comes in.) I stood there and couldn't help but think, "Why in the world aren't you getting out of the line and taking these boys and putting them in time out or some other way to calm them the f*ck down?!" I wondered why, other than just stand between them, all he did was mildly tell them to stop fighting? I thought, "Dude, if that was my kid, we'd be heading back to the car. Party's over." Eventually, the dad picked up the older boy and said a few things in his ear; for the rest of our time in the line, the dad carried the older boy, who got all somber and looked very much like he was holding back tears, while the little brother kept "shooting" at his older brother with the toy popgun they sell at the park. On the ride, the dad made them ride together — younger bro was had a ball, but from what I noticed, older bro didn't crack a smile the entire time.

This reminds me of another incident a week or two ago at our local gym. I was waiting for my son to come out of class, when two little boys came running past. I guess they were trying to fight for space to peek through the window into the class, but I sat there almost horrified when they started hitting each other. Now, these kids were even younger than the ones at Knott's — I'd guess two and four years old. And I'm not talking any sort of play fighting — these kids were throwing punches with the intent to hurt. But like what I witnessed at Knott's, the shock came more from the parent's seemingly blase´ attitude. In this case, the mom was busy talking to another parent to notice that her kids were hitting each other. By the time she came over to them, all she did was tell them sweetly, "Guys, stop that." When the three of them trotted off, I noticed that the brothers were still trying to shove each other.

OK, the part about me not judging others ... obviously, I know it's none of my business, and just as I don't want others to judge the way I parent, I really shouldn't judge others how they parent. If you let your kids hit and shove and kick — whatever, that's your business. But here's what I can't let go of: these boys were doing these things within close range of my own kid. I have no desire for my son (or me) to get smacked by accident. (Granted, the boys at the gym were in a different room, but my son could be in a class with them at some point.) Not to mention, my son is young and impressionable, and he's at the stage where he imitates just about everything he sees and hears. The last thing most parents want is for their kids to learn behavior we consider inappropriate, whatever that behavior may be. It's just like having overly rowdy kids at the playground — they're in a public place where other kids around, some sort of respect for others and their personal space have to be recognized. When the parents seem like they don't or do little to discourage this kind of behavior between siblings, how are they teaching them not to treat others the same way?

Now, I'm not a complete pacifist. I know boys tend to be rowdier and that one day, my kid's going to get into an actual scuffle. I also know there are situations where people might have to fight to defend themselves. Of course I want my son to know that when necessary, he needs to stand up to bullies or anyone threatening to harm him. But the key word is necessary. I don't want him to throw punches just because he's annoyed at someone. If he does start doing that, he'd be in time out so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him.